Here I am, nearing 30 and still learning about myself and life.  I think this is what life is all about...Education.  It's a lifelong practice to learn.

But I digress.  The real topic of this post is how I'm trying to learn to be a father.  Here's the back story.  I've played the part of deadbeat dad mostly for the first 4 years of my son's life for various reasons.  Partially, I was scared of being a father.  I didn't believe in children out of wedlock.  His mom also left the door open for me to have doubt about him being mine by disappearing between the time she should have conceived and after he was born.  In between that time she called and told me on the phone that she was pregnant and that the due date was in February, which added up with the last time I was with her.  But then he was born in November, which would mean he was probably conceived while she was M.I.A.  Adding to the trouble, was my not being responsible enough to take care of myself, let alone another, and my trouble with money and responsibility.  It is clear, I need to earn WAY more money than I spend in order to live comfortably. 

Fast forward and today was my first time I've bought him anything for Easter.  I got my mom, who is good at spending money well, to put together an easter basket, and she got him one as well, and put together bags for his two older brothers.  Needless to say they were overjoyed when I showed up to drop them off.  I've also become much more consistent at monetary support.  His mom has sensed I'm trying to be a father and has told him and his brothers (or either they just figured out on their own) that I'm his father.  This is probably something that should have happened a long time ago because now there is a definite difference.  Rather than just showing up to pay my debt and leave, I now feel more like a father.  He sees me and says "Hey daddy" and his brothers say "There your daddy is" and it just feels like something as opposed to before where it was more like I was just their mom's friend.  Where before I went to their place with a condom in my pocket hoping to get some affection from their mom, now I go there to get some happiness from seeing my son and I leave thinking about him.  I feel like things have come a long way from the days where I wished he didn't exist because I thought kids were all about giving their mothers money.  Now I realize how much of a difference it makes that the little fella knows who his daddy is.  I want to get myself together so I can do more, but I still have fears about being a parent, but I realize now that everyone does, its just some people handle it better than others.  Some people are born to be parents and that's all they want, some people learn to be parents, and some people like myself, have to learn what a parent is. 

I still have a way to go, and hopefully I'll blog about it.  I have to learn to accept his two brothers.  Right now, I see two kids that I could care less about.  They're cool, and on some level, I'm actually better with them because I don't feel any responsibility towards them, but that's just the point.  Right now, if someone were to kidnap them, but not my son, I wouldn't feel bad at all.  I give my son toys or clothes, or give his mom some money and the first thought is "those other two better not get their hands on it, I'm not doing a damn thing for them."  I see them curse or fight and I giggle and don't feel the least bit concerned.  If my son says a bad word, or is bad I don't want it to continue.  In other words, I don't care about the other two.  One, I actually don't like because he's an instigator, but...well, it's a work in progress. 

By the way, his name is Tyrell and I'll keep the Internets posted.